Here We Go Again

Jeremiah 1:5: Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before and before you were born I consecrated you

This post will be about my cancer update. Where am I, and what happened this week? But, before I reveal this, let’s talk about Jeremiah 1:5 and how this passage fits into my life, right here, right now. Please give this old man a few minutes.

Over the past few weeks, I have come to a place of joy, peace, and HOPE that I never found as a child. A few minutes ago, I got off the phone with an important person in my life, where the word LOVE was shared between the two of us. As a child, I don’t remember a time when I was told or shown that I was loved. I never felt it. As an adult, I spent time running away from it, and if it was present. I was going to find a way to stop that love from continuing, even if it meant sabotaging a relationship to achieve it. In the past few weeks, I have been told that I am loved by some of the most important people in my life, including those at my church, St. Stephen. I am being prayed for, called, texted, and emailed. I can tell you that your prayers have worked. I have felt them, and they have worked more than you know. Thank you from my very soul. I am exactly where I am supposed to be, because God determined this before I was born. I do pray for you all and love you back. We are all in this together, and together we will get through.

This week, I had my fourth TURBT surgery for bladder cancer in the past three years. It seems I have a special kind of cancer that will not go away. I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life. It should have gone away during the first three TURBT surgeries, but sadly, it has not. I have been living with cancer for the past three plus years of my life. No one is sure why it has started, but when each cell divides, it mutates into cancer cells. Thankfully, I have been vigilant and stayed on top of it, and it has not progressed into the muscle part of the bladder. That is the good part of my health journey.

When my surgery team went into my bladder, they found more tumors than expected in different parts of my bladder, including a few up near the ureter exits near the top of my bladder. Some were easy, and some were not, but they did remove them all. My understanding is that we are waiting on the pathology report from the tumors, and that will direct the course of treatment.

The real treatment starts in a few weeks (whatever that may be) and is unsettling to me. I have finally found a good urologist to help with some of the side effects of having multiple TURBT surgeries, but now I’m forced to face the side effects of a different kind of treatment. I can reassure everyone that I have spent a lifetime not running away from anything, but running towards the truth when it matters most. I am determined not to run away from this, either.

Yes, having cancer and cancer treatment sucks. But as I have said many times, cancer is the best worst thing that I have endured so far in my life. I have now come to understand that this life is not just for me. It is about a loving God who loves us every moment of our lives. God never leaves his sheep when they need him the most by wandering off, up the hill, and away from God. God leaves the ninety-nine just for us. He truly does. He did it for me.

This may be a lot to read and accept. I have accepted that my life is predestined to be the way it is. The good news is I can sit in the love of God whenever I want. I am blessed to have a great relationship with God, and He helps me through this difficult time in my life. I can now feel and accept the love of others in my life. I have never been happier than I am right here, right now.

In Isaiah 63:7: I will recount the gracious deeds of the Lord,

Peace and HOPE, always,

Manny Lopez

Synod Parish Deacon